The Fruit of My Womb (Part 3)

If you're just now joining us, check out parts two and one first.


Vlad: "I can't get these stupid 'noculars OPEN!!" Me: "Hand them here; I'll do it." V: "No, I need a grown up to do it." Me: "Um. I am a grown up." V: "Well, a grown up that's bigger."


Vlad: "Hey Chief, you havin' a good day?" Me: "Not too bad, you?" V: "I'm good. So. You happy right now?" Me: "Um, yes. I suppose. Why?" V: "Well. If you walk by my bedroom just keep your eyes closed then, okay?" Me: "WHY?" V: "I think there was an accident."


"Vlad, Vincent has a stomach bug, so you need to keep to your room and stay out of his face." V: "Does he have Ebola?" Me: "Um, no." V: "Black plague?" Me: "No, Vlad. Just a stomach bug." V: "He got the Swine flu? Diabetes?" Me: "NO, Vlad. It's probably a norovirus, okay?" V: "Next time just say norovirus. Now can I see it on the computer?"


Vlad: "Whatcha doin' Chief?" Me (going from room to room): "Looking for my book." V: "In your closet." Me: "My closet?" V: "Yeah. This morning after you had it in your room you took it by the computer & then picked up Vincent & then changed him then fed us breakfast then fixed your hair & got your book & went to your closet & changed & called your friend & went into the living room." Me: "Thanks, Rain Man."


Vlad: "Hey, I want Vincent to come play with me in my room." Me (folding laundry): "Then you need to keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn't get hurt." V: "I don't want to have to take care of him, I just want to play!" Me: "So, you want the pleasure of playing with your brother, without the responsibility of his welfare?" V: "Um, yes." Me: "We have a lot of ground to cover before you start dating."


Vlad: "Hey Chief. How come guys don't got boobs?" Me: "Um. Well, they sort of do, they're just a lot smaller than women." V: "Can they still feed babies 'n stuff?" Me: "No, just women can do that." V: "Okay. Well go get me a pizza then."


Vlad (watching part of an episode of Law & Order: SVU): "Chief, what's gay?" Me: "You know how Kelsey and I love each other and kiss and got married?" V: "Yeah." Me: "Well, sometimes boys like to kiss and marry boys, and girls like to kiss and marry girls." V: "They fight over who has to do the laundry too?"


Vlad (munching contentedly on his lunch): "Chief, I sure do love pizza." Me: "I'm glad you enjoy it." V: "You know what? I love it like I love you!" Me: "Too awesome." V: "Does Kelsey love pizza like he loves golf?" Me: "Kelsey loves few things like he loves golf." V (patting my arm): "But his golf doesn't fix his supper, right?"


(at the conclusion of our Crunchy Parenting experiment) Me: "Okay, Vincent, are you ready to put your diapers back on?" Vin: "Ba-GEK!" Vlad the Translator: "He said 'Yeah, potty training is bullshit'!" Me: "VLADIMIR." V (shrugging): "He don't know that's a bad word to say yet, Mam; don't get mad at 'im."

Me: "Vlad, Vincent's coming into your room. Treat him how you want to be treated, okay?" Vlad: "You want me to buy him toys and let him have some ice cream?"

Vlad: "Heya, Chief, why you carryin' Vincent around on your hip?" Me (trying to mop): "Well, because apparently today is 'carry around your infant everywhere with you' day. Good times." Vlad: "Well why don't you just tie him to your leg? Then you can walk around like a pirate and be very cool!"

Vlad: "Chief, I need more brothers. Do they all have to get here baby-sized first, or can we get them bigger?" Me: "Well, there's always adoption." V: "What's adoption?" Me: "Some kids don't have a mom or dad anymore, so other families take them as their own." V: "Cool! Can we get three or four?" Me: "Not right now." V: "But you won't get humongeous again!"

Me (trying to wriggle Vincent out of his carseat): "Vlad, hold my purse for a sec." V: "I can't." Me: "What do you mean you can't; of course you can, take my friggin purse!" V: "I can't! Your purse is GREEN! My coat is BLUE! It does not match!"

Vlad (watching me trip and fall into the bathroom): "Man, I hope when I grow up I can walk better than you, Chief. I wanna be able to play golf!" Me (rubbing my bruised knee): "You can still play golf, Vlad." V: "Not if I'm walkin' like that."

Vladimir on the distribution of privacy: "Chief, you can't be alone, cause if Vincent needs something or there's an emergency I gotta know 'zactly where you're at and what you're doin'." (later, when I spy him pooping with his door open) "GET OUT!!! This is PRIVATE! That means BY MYSELF!!!"